When I was trying to narrow down what I wanted to
share for my talk, I wanted to find the PERFECT topic. Something
that was insightful and inspiring. Funny, yet meaningful, relevant
and interesting. The kind of talk that had all the bells and whistles,
and everyone would feeling refreshed and like they could take on the
world. I talked with some friends, pulled a few cards and flipped through
several spiritual books and although there were a few ideas I had been
considering, nothing seemed to fit all those requirements. Then I pulled
out my Daily Inspirations book by Robin Sharma and turned to the date of my talk,
July 15th. It read:
Once and for all
stop being so hard on yourself. You are a human being and human beings
have been designed to make mistakes. Coming to the realization that we
all make mistakes and that they are essential to our growth and progress is
liberating. We lose the need to be perfect and adopt a more sensible way
of viewing our lives. We can begin to flow through life the way a
mountain stream flows through a leafy forest, powerfully yet gracefully.
We can finally be at peace with our true nature.
Funnily enough, I had considered writing my talk on
self-judgment, however I had dismissed it for not being ‘inspirational’
enough. When I read these words, I was struck by how hard I was being on
myself about what I should be sharing. How I wanted it to look a
certain way, and because of this I was making very little
progress and my self-esteem was plummeting. It also confirmed for me that
this is the perfect topic for me to share on.
Now, I used to just think that I just was the kind
of person who had high standards and used them as a means of pushing myself to
achieve more. I used competition (with myself and others) to continuously
reach new heights and it was really working for me. On paper, I was getting
all the things that I wanted – the degree, the job, the house, the dog,
reaching fitness goals, and so on. Even when I started becoming more
aware of my judgments, I still felt like “So what? These are my judgments about
myself. What’s the big deal? It’s not harming anyone else!”
My first real insights into the impact my judgments
have happened for me a couple years ago, when I started to jog without any
music. First of all, the idea of running without music was nearly
horrifying to me, but I was willing to give it a try because I wanted to feel
differently, and my best efforts weren’t changing how I felt. I was still
achieving many of my personal goals, however I wasn’t feeling satisfied or
particularly happy about any of these achievements. Like I said before,
it was all good on paper, but my self-esteem felt consistently low. It
was a hot summer’s day and I had been out for 15 minutes and I was
contemplating between continuing on my usual route, or cutting it short because
I wasn’t feeling very well. The battle in my head was so loud and clear -
I could hear the judgments start rushing through my head: “Way to skip
out early! Such a quitter! Why did you bother going for run in the first
place? Loser.” The feeling that crept in was a familiar one –I felt like
I wasn’t good enough and that I should be doing more. I felt embarrassed
and ashamed. It was a feeling that I had experienced many times
before while struggling to pursue other goals in my life. What was
different this time was that I HEARD and listened to them. I have no
doubt that these same thoughts have flowed through my mind during many runs
before, but the music had drowned out any chance of me hearing them. The truth
is, whether I was hearing these thoughts that were rushing through my mind,
they were still having a significant impact on how I was feeling. Not
long after exposing these thoughts, shedding some light on them, I was able to
discern between the sound of my ego and to the voice of my spirit - I knew they
weren’t the truth about me.
As I was walking to the literal fork in the road on
my run, I made the choice to acknowledge myself (which is something I was also
learning to do at this time as well) and decided to be gentle and head toward
home. This became a significant turning point for me. I felt
empowered, strong and connected to my spirit – even though I had ran a shorter
distance than I had intended. Had I been listening to my music, I suspect
I would have continued on my run, criticizing myself up the whole way. I
likely would have arrived home physically exhausted, as well as emotionally,
spiritually and mentally exhausted from beating myself down with
self-judgments. This was a really big insight for me. Where else
was I heckling myself as I worked toward my goals, and completely
unaware? I began to tune out my music and other distractions more, and
paid attention to other places where that same feeling crept in and my
self-defeating thoughts were popping up. With lots of support, I became
(and am still becoming) much more aware of my thoughts. When they come
up, I can examine these beliefs and ask myself: “Is this the truth about
me?” Usually the answer is no. When these judgments are exposed – I
can replace them with what I know to be true. I am a hard-working,
thoughtful, strong, loving, compassionate woman – who is human after all!
This shift didn’t happen overnight, but with support, my achievements began to
have a new feel to them. Instead of believing that there was more I could
have done, I began to acknowledge all that I have done and allowed myself to
feel satisfied with the contributions that I make.
This shift began happening for me nearly 2 years
ago now, and I’ve been working to continue increasing my awareness into my own
self-judgments. This running example tended to be my pattern for when I
was working on mastering something that I was reasonably experienced or
comfortable in doing. What I’ve been becoming aware of lately, are the
fears that come up when I am faced with a new experience. I have some big
fears around making mistakes or doing things ‘wrong’. I am a
perfectionist and have been as far back as I can remember. These
standards have been a big driving force in most of my accomplishments up to
today. Much like my initial thoughts around self-judgment, it has taken
me some time to begin understanding the negative impact being a perfectionist
has on my relationships and my self-esteem. You may be familiar with the
saying “feel the fear and do it anyway”? I like the logic of this statement
and I feel like it has served me really well. I continue to take on new
challenges and push through my fears, however what I’ve most recently begun to
understand is that I had been adding to that phrase. What I have been
telling myself sounds more like “feel the fear and do it anyway, but make sure
you do it perfectly or you’ll look like a gigantic idiot and everyone will
laugh.” Based on this belief, I create a lot of pressure and anxiety for
myself. If I don’t feel like I can do it ‘right’, then I have a difficult
time stepping into a new experience. And if I managed to move past that
feeling and give it a try, I feel so vulnerable, raw and exposed that it is
hard for anyone to be close to me.
I found a quote that feels really relevant to this
experience:
“Demand perfection
of yourself and you’ll seldom attain it. Fear of making a mistake is the
biggest single cause of making one. Relax – pursue excellence, not
perfection.”
-
Bud Winter, Track coach
The biggest mistake I believe I’ve making, is that
I believed in perfection in the first place. It creates a lose-lose
situation. If I give into my fears and avoid attempting something new, it
means that I rob myself of this experience and opportunity to learn and grow.
Instead I stay exactly stuck where I am which isn’t what I want for my
life. The alternative is to try, but when I come from a place of
attempting to be perfect, my growth is also inhibited because I am not open to
feedback. Let me explain this a bit further… When I have been very diligent in
making sure I have completed whatever the task was just right, any form of
correction or suggestions for future attempts triggers my belief that I have
done something wrong because I am already so raw from the pressure and
judgments I put on myself. I usually go into guilt or anger, push people
away – which, as you can imagine keeps me just as stuck as if I hadn’t tried at
all, as well as separate. When there is no room for outside opinions,
that leaves very little room for cooperation and inevitably has strained many
relationships, with my family, friends, in my career and with partners.
With much support, it is obvious to me now, that only the arrogance of the ego
could ever believe that anything could ever be done perfectly in the first
place, and how this belief has held me hostage and kept me separate from
others. Now that I have a better understanding of what my beliefs are as
a perfectionist, and how it limits my growth and keeps me separate, I can start
to update that belief system and make some different choices.
My relationships have always been really important
to me, and I am learning how to allow for deeper connections with all the
people in my life. Exposing these self-imposed rules and restrictions,
and learning to let go of my self-judgments and expectations of perfection, has
been a huge part of my ongoing healing. I feel like I can attempt new
challenges with more openness and ease and, most importantly I can do it with
other people because I am learning accept feedback as loving and
supportive. And I can also see that receiving from other people doesn’t
mean that I am flawed. There are many people who love me and have
supported me through this place – and still continue to do so – and for that I
am incredibly grateful. I am also able to extend to others more easily,
because I know my love is good enough and there is no ‘right’ way to love. By
allowing myself to give and receive more readily, I have been able to create more
flow in my life. Just to revisit the last part of Robin Sharma’s quote:
We lose the need
to be perfect and adopt a more sensible way of viewing our lives. We can
begin to flow through life the way a mountain stream flows through a leafy
forest, powerfully yet gracefully. We can finally be at peace with our
true nature.
So today I would like to challenge you to listen in
for your own judgments. When you are driving your car, or exercising –
turn off your music and really get in touch with what you are telling
yourself. Is it loving and true for you? Or is it harsh and
hurtful? Does it allow you to join and cooperate with others? Or
does it keep you separate? Are you pursuing perfection? Or are you
pursuing excellence?
I’d like you just
take a deep breath, and take a moment right now to acknowledge yourself.
Perhaps you’ve been struggling to achieve or perfect something in your
life. Perhaps getting your body out of bed in the morning feels like a
challenge some days. I want you to acknowledge your efforts… Acknowledge your
journey. See yourself flowing through your life, like that beautiful
mountain stream. Powerful. Graceful. Connected. Know that you
don’t have to do it alone. And that it is safe for you to give and
receive love.
