Understanding the impact of my self-judgments

I had an amazing opportunity this past Sunday to be a speaker at a non-denominational Spiritual Service in my community.  The only request was for it to be spiritually uplifting! I thought it seemed appropriate that I share a slightly modified version here today.  I hope it helps shed some light on where your judgments may limit you, but also provides some insight into how you might move through them to create more of what you want in your life.

  

When I was trying to narrow down what I wanted to share for my talk, I wanted to find the PERFECT topic.  Something that was insightful and inspiring.  Funny, yet meaningful, relevant and interesting.  The kind of talk that had all the bells and whistles, and everyone would feeling refreshed and like they could take on the world.  I talked with some friends, pulled a few cards and flipped through several spiritual books and although there were a few ideas I had been considering, nothing seemed to fit all those requirements.  Then I pulled out my Daily Inspirations book by Robin Sharma and turned to the date of my talk, July 15^th.  It read:

Once and for all stop being so hard on yourself.  You are a human being and human beings have been designed to make mistakes.  Coming to the realization that we all make mistakes and that they are essential to our growth and progress is liberating.  We lose the need to be perfect and adopt a more sensible way of viewing our lives.  We can begin to flow through life the way a mountain stream flows through a leafy forest, powerfully yet gracefully.  We can finally be at peace with our true nature.

Funnily enough, I had considered writing my talk on self-judgment, however I had dismissed it for not being ‘inspirational’ enough.  When I read these words, I was struck by how hard I was being on myself about what I should be sharing.  How I wanted it to look a certain way, and because of this I was making very little progress and my self-esteem was plummeting.  It also confirmed for me that this is the perfect topic for me to share on.

Now, I used to just think that I just was the kind of person who had high standards and used them as a means of pushing myself to achieve more.  I used competition (with myself and others) to continuously reach new heights and it was really working for me.  On paper, I was getting all the things that I wanted – the degree, the job, the house, the dog, reaching fitness goals, and so on.  Even when I started becoming more aware of my judgments, I still felt like “So what? These are my judgments about myself.  What’s the big deal? It’s not harming anyone else!”

My first real insights into the impact my judgments have happened for me a couple years ago, when I started to jog without any music.  First of all, the idea of running without music was nearly horrifying to me, but I was willing to give it a try because I wanted to feel differently, and my best efforts weren’t changing how I felt.  I was still achieving many of my personal goals, however I wasn’t feeling satisfied or particularly happy about any of these achievements.  Like I said before, it was all good on paper, but my self-esteem felt consistently low.  It was a hot summer’s day and I had been out for 15 minutes and I was contemplating between continuing on my usual route, or cutting it short because I wasn’t feeling very well.  The battle in my head was so loud and clear - I could hear the judgments start rushing through my head:  “Way to skip out early! Such a quitter! Why did you bother going for run in the first place?  Loser.” The feeling that crept in was a familiar one –I felt like I wasn’t good enough and that I should be doing more.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed.   It was a feeling that I had experienced many times before while struggling to pursue other goals in my life.  What was different this time was that I HEARD and listened to them.  I have no doubt that these same thoughts have flowed through my mind during many runs before, but the music had drowned out any chance of me hearing them. The truth is, whether I was hearing these thoughts that were rushing through my mind, they were still having a significant impact on how I was feeling.  Not long after exposing these thoughts, shedding some light on them, I was able to discern between the sound of my ego and to the voice of my spirit - I knew they weren’t the truth about me. 

As I was walking to the literal fork in the road on my run, I made the choice to acknowledge myself (which is something I was also learning to do at this time as well) and decided to be gentle and head toward home.  This became a significant turning point for me.  I felt empowered, strong and connected to my spirit – even though I had ran a shorter distance than I had intended.  Had I been listening to my music, I suspect I would have continued on my run, criticizing myself up the whole way.  I likely would have arrived home physically exhausted, as well as emotionally, spiritually and mentally exhausted from beating myself down with self-judgments.  This was a really big insight for me.  Where else was I heckling myself as I worked toward my goals, and completely unaware?  I began to tune out my music and other distractions more, and paid attention to other places where that same feeling crept in and my self-defeating thoughts were popping up.  With lots of support, I became (and am still becoming) much more aware of my thoughts.  When they come up, I can examine these beliefs and ask myself: “Is this the truth about me?”  Usually the answer is no.  When these judgments are exposed – I can replace them with what I know to be true.  I am a hard-working, thoughtful, strong, loving, compassionate woman – who is human after all!  This shift didn’t happen overnight, but with support, my achievements began to have a new feel to them.  Instead of believing that there was more I could have done, I began to acknowledge all that I have done and allowed myself to feel satisfied with the contributions that I make.

This shift began happening for me nearly 2 years ago now, and I’ve been working to continue increasing my awareness into my own self-judgments.  This running example tended to be my pattern for when I was working on mastering something that I was reasonably experienced or comfortable in doing.  What I’ve been becoming aware of lately, are the fears that come up when I am faced with a new experience.  I have some big fears around making mistakes or doing things ‘wrong’.  I am a perfectionist and have been as far back as I can remember.  These standards have been a big driving force in most of my accomplishments up to today.  Much like my initial thoughts around self-judgment, it has taken me some time to begin understanding the negative impact being a perfectionist has on my relationships and my self-esteem.  You may be familiar with the saying “feel the fear and do it anyway”?  I like the logic of this statement and I feel like it has served me really well.  I continue to take on new challenges and push through my fears, however what I’ve most recently begun to understand is that I had been adding to that phrase.  What I have been telling myself sounds more like “feel the fear and do it anyway, but make sure you do it perfectly or you’ll look like a gigantic idiot and everyone will laugh.” Based on this belief, I create a lot of pressure and anxiety for myself.  If I don’t feel like I can do it ‘right’, then I have a difficult time stepping into a new experience.  And if I managed to move past that feeling and give it a try, I feel so vulnerable, raw and exposed that it is hard for anyone to be close to me.

I found a quote that feels really relevant to this experience:

“Demand perfection of yourself and you’ll seldom attain it.  Fear of making a mistake is the biggest single cause of making one.  Relax – pursue excellence, not perfection.”

-       Bud Winter, Track coach

The biggest mistake I believe I’ve making, is that I believed in perfection in the first place.  It creates a lose-lose situation.  If I give into my fears and avoid attempting something new, it means that I rob myself of this experience and opportunity to learn and grow. Instead I stay exactly stuck where I am which isn’t what I want for my life.  The alternative is to try, but when I come from a place of attempting to be perfect, my growth is also inhibited because I am not open to feedback. Let me explain this a bit further… When I have been very diligent in making sure I have completed whatever the task was just right, any form of correction or suggestions for future attempts triggers my belief that I have done something wrong because I am already so raw from the pressure and judgments I put on myself.  I usually go into guilt or anger, push people away – which, as you can imagine keeps me just as stuck as if I hadn’t tried at all, as well as separate.  When there is no room for outside opinions, that leaves very little room for cooperation and inevitably has strained many relationships, with my family, friends, in my career and with partners.  With much support, it is obvious to me now, that only the arrogance of the ego could ever believe that anything could ever be done perfectly in the first place, and how this belief has held me hostage and kept me separate from others.  Now that I have a better understanding of what my beliefs are as a perfectionist, and how it limits my growth and keeps me separate, I can start to update that belief system and make some different choices. 

My relationships have always been really important to me, and I am learning how to allow for deeper connections with all the people in my life.  Exposing these self-imposed rules and restrictions, and learning to let go of my self-judgments and expectations of perfection, has been a huge part of my ongoing healing.  I feel like I can attempt new challenges with more openness and ease and, most importantly I can do it with other people because I am learning accept feedback as loving and supportive.  And I can also see that receiving from other people doesn’t mean that I am flawed.  There are many people who love me and have supported me through this place – and still continue to do so – and for that I am incredibly grateful.  I am also able to extend to others more easily, because I know my love is good enough and there is no ‘right’ way to love. By allowing myself to give and receive more readily, I have been able to create more flow in my life.  Just to revisit the last part of Robin Sharma’s quote:

We lose the need to be perfect and adopt a more sensible way of viewing our lives.  We can begin to flow through life the way a mountain stream flows through a leafy forest, powerfully yet gracefully.  We can finally be at peace with our true nature.

So today I would like to challenge you to listen in for your own judgments.  When you are driving your car, or exercising – turn off your music and really get in touch with what you are telling yourself.  Is it loving and true for you?  Or is it harsh and hurtful?  Does it allow you to join and cooperate with others?  Or does it keep you separate?  Are you pursuing perfection?  Or are you pursuing excellence?

I’d like you just take a deep breath, and take a moment right now to acknowledge yourself.  Perhaps you’ve been struggling to achieve or perfect something in your life.  Perhaps getting your body out of bed in the morning feels like a challenge some days. I want you to acknowledge your efforts… Acknowledge your journey.  See yourself flowing through your life, like that beautiful mountain stream.  Powerful.  Graceful.  Connected. Know that you don’t have to do it alone.  And that it is safe for you to give and receive love.